Arse Optioneering

Some notes I’m taking to my surgeon. I know he’s set on the whole j-pouch thing but I think he’s having a fundamental failure of the imagination. There’s a lot more you can replace a colon with.

– A tumble dryer exhaust type thing, 30 foot long, that you can plug into an exit valve on the side of your house or put under a co-workers desk.

– A cannon.

– Some kind of refrigeration unit that turns it into blue ice. You can then boot this down the street into a neighbours garden or make ice sculptures for parties.

– A vacuum pack that crimps and seals everything into foil packets like on The Martian. Good for potato farming.

– Faberge egg.

– A slide whistle. The kids would love that one.

– A shoulder mounted exhaust, like on  a Hummer. Maybe with a lampshade on it to make it look less like a gruesome shoulder-mounted shit pipe.

– A time machine that takes you back to when you didn’t need a shit.




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